I'm sticking to who I am...

To hug more often.
To be a friend to as many other people as put before me.
To consider others higher than my own self.
To say "I love you" everyday.
To take care of others.
To just listen to what everyone has to say.
To preserve memories and moments  and all of the blessings I've been given, more.
To use my God-given wisdom and discernment for greater good.
To never worry another single second about my ever-changing body, in an ever-changing life,
when reality will always be that I was, am, and will always be enough for Jesus Christ.
To pursue freedom where it leads.
To let go of the old ways of looking at life.
To let go of the past.
To forgive myself.
To take advantage of any new oppurtunities given to me.
To be a hard-worker and a hard-player.
To use my gifts, and take confidence in them and pride in the God who gave them to me.
To be my happy and positive and mellow self and not feel obligated to feel any differently in the midst of negativity and poor attitudes or bad situations.
To laugh, hard, a lot, daily.
To give generously to my family, friends, church, and needy.

I may never be perfect to everyone,
but I will always be seen as perfect enough in One's eyes.

I may never satisfy anyone,
but I can please the One who made us all.
Sometimes, it's by saying that I can't do it all.
I can't meet this restrictive idol.

He fully satisfies me, enough to
dare to leap the trickest of leaps.
And speak up in the midst of opposition.

I am protected.

Reunited

T-minus 3 hours left until (or so) until I get to spend a weekend with my..now "longer-distance"...boyfriend (which is not as much fun of course as last summer was with him only less than a hour away from bonding time. But it does mean that fall time - spring time = more reasonable distance, one will be the desk right next to me ;) and I can't wait to see what doors the Lord opens for me and his relationship, and us individually. Lots of people don't really talk about their loves much, but I'm the opposite. I'm so thankful to have Rob's hand in mine, and the memories we share. The fun we have. The laughs we let loose. The moments we break, cry, yell, hug, kiss, and attempt new adventures. He is everything I have ever prayed for, and I believe it's a priveledge to be able to be dating him, even for me being the younger companion.

In the meantime, I hear a game of Twilight Princess calling my name (that is unless Pinterest continues to distract me lol.)

The best blessings come in human form <3

Love Your Life

A week ago I was disturbed and hurt to recieve the news of the death of one of my special friends, Lesya. It's been very hard to chew on. She was the first human being I ever talked with about my eating disorder with, who got it all - she was an Anorexic at that time. I remember our talks going back and forth to each other, like passing notes - my Illinois messages to her Cali computer screen. We weren't extremely close friends, but we had a connection that I know am thankful to say I get to share with more than just one other girl (and a man as well, in the past at least.) We had a lot in common, similar passions...

This girl was the description of a missionary like nothing I've ever seen before. Her story is probably a testimony worth making Internet highlights for Christians suffering with eating disorders, and so on..

The first Lesya I met was not pleasant, and all to herself. She was exhausted. She wasn't getting better, though her efforts were fixed within. She was extrememly intelligent and gifted artistically. By extremely I am talking mueseum worthiness. She passed High School at the age of 16, and began college immediately at the California College of the Arts. Yet - she was struggling. I know she hardly slept. Following college came the oppurtunity for her to recieve another round of treatment at Remuda Ranch in Arizona. Everyone supported her as she was taken care of, and taking care of her own business. She came out. She had some meat back on her bones, but she was still pretty faint.

To everyone's surprise, came a move that wasn't talked about openly - an almost impulsive move to the land down under. (I thought she was crazy) but for the sake of getting the job of her dreams, a pro cake decorator, she did it. She seemed more content than ever. I remember getting excited and getting a picture sent to me of probably the finest sculptured cake I have ever seen (yes, even better than Cake Boss..soooo much better!!!) and then she met a boy, who wouldn't leave her alone for the life of it. That's when I started meeting a new Lesya - a girl who messaged me in the wee hours of her Aussie afternoon (and my morning...) about wittnessing for Christ.

Now, I was the one swallowing my spit :)

I remember that she thanked me for being a friend to her, and even wrote a blog to all of her friends who had supported her in some way. And I had to go back and read it again, because once she died, I felt like I didn't truly listen to her right then...and well, that's all that I had left personally.

I have this now on a fancy canvas, soon to be hanging in my room:

Love This Life

Every day we have a chance to make a difference; in every aspect that we choose to do so. These past 7 months I've lived in Australia I have changed immensely to the point of where it makes me cry just thinking about it. I never realized how much, before, I was living for myself in my own little world, stuck up, but refusing to see it. I have always been one to love life and embrace it - but coming to the Land down under I didn't realize how much I was embracing the wrong things.

Lately I have been feeling myself slipping into the darker side of things, where things that use to bring me beyond one's grasp compassion and drive makes my heart ache. Where getting up feels like a chore and smiling an old feeling that doesn't seem like my forte. I realized, today, that this was a work in progress. Something I built up --- even without recognizing my own downfall.

I've been in deep thought these past few weeeks trying to keep my mind out of depression, ans a relapse that seemed unevitable and I've come to the conclusion that there is only one option for me: which is, to love this life. This life, my life, the life God chose for me and that I am living out. I am done feeling 'stuck' and 'suffocating' in my own choices that could be easily changed.

I am ready to wake up to an alarm clock early in the morning and smile because I not only have the option to breathe breaths to another day, but have the grace to see the undefying beauty of everything this world has to offer. I am ready to stop making excuses to things I don't want to do, simply out of selfish ambition. I am ready to laugh at my mistakes, cry when I need to, hug someone when I feel like I'm about to break. I am ready, I am ready. I am ready. I want to witness this world in all it has to offer. To the customers I serve, to the people I meet at the beach. No matter what I do, I want to do it loving this life. My life.

I am ready, to love this life.

Thank-you to everyone who has helped me realize the potential I have and to continue to be there for me through it all~

I continued to read other blogs she posted, all about her mission to bring people to Jesus. This year she had left her job in order to answer God's call to go on mission trips (mostlhy paid for by their church) with her newly wedded husband, that good ol' Danny boy who never left her alone ;) I watched her come to life and start living and loving her life for the first time, despite that physically her body only had about 6 months life to live.

She unexpectedly, but peacefully died in her sleep.

Her mission continues, there's no doubt about it. Her story brings life and Christ to those she knew, especially others who shared common struggle.

It has to me.

So much more makes sense to me now, compared to this time last year. I was really gone. I've been really gone. Yet, God hasn't left me for anything. And neither have those who truly love me beyond what makes sense to my mind. And neither has MY sweet guy, Robert <3

I honestly don't believe I was taking much further action towards recovery until "along came a man named...Robert" in the nicest ways possible, he has shown me my errs, and has shown me my beauty. But for the longest time I remained stuck up, and refused to give it a piece of my heart.

I wasn't in my own body anymore, and could feel it. One second I'm on a treadmill and the next I'm binging to the rooftops and back. Over and over. Repeat and so on.. I couldn't give it all up without going haywire. And I wanted it more than I thought I wanted other things..

But that wasn't me.

The real me doesn't enjoy preoccupations invading my life each morning. The real me isn't what Ed convinces me that I am. The real me is a combination of my own set of colors, and Ed is always grey and contradicting.

I lost my confidence, my self-respect, my self-discipline, motivation, everything.

I lost oppurtunities and friends.

I lost, a lot.

I lost touch with who I am.

I was just my eating disorder in action, in a body.

Today though I am recognizing my dreams again. I am letting go each day, with the hope and trust given to the Lord of recieving His best (which I'm honestly not liking the process, but it will work out perfectly in time) I am becoming a whole person. I'm still fighting with the fear and worry and anxiety that comes along with it - and I have probably honestly allowed it to just run me over.

I have not done or have been my best. I have not been ok. I have lived with this inner voice demanding unattainable standards, as well as becoming the voices of everyone in my life.

It's been hard to trust God and hard to trust people, my body, myself, anything. I just haven't had it fully. I haven't been a person, I haven't been a womanly, I haven't been youthful.

I've let it come in the way of my own arms, to where I don't always love others. And somedays, I don't care. At all. As cold as it sounds. I just hold onto the desire to love, that I have to give it all or nothing, to be the prime friend to everyone of they're an enemy.

But today I claim back "me", my beauty, and my heart. My dreams are truly nothing all that "big" but in my heart they are the universe.

To my friend Lesya,

This is the hardest you've ever kicked my butt, and I'm blessed to call you a sister. You've poured out the righteousness of God into the world, and into my own heart. You say that I helped you come to realize your potential, but you also did for me, for many, all the same. Thank-you for helping me realize my own potential, my dreams, my beauty, my importance, the truth, the Word of God, and the power within it all.

I'm ready to love this life too, friend.



Know Your Value: The Official Wonderfully Made Blog: Rubies and Pearls.

Know Your Value: The Official Wonderfully Made Blog: Rubies and Pearls.: by Natalie Lynn Borton Worth is one of those topics that just can't be discussed enough. It seems no matter how many times we grasp that...

Know Your Value: The Official Wonderfully Made Blog: Rubies and Pearls.

Know Your Value: The Official Wonderfully Made Blog: Rubies and Pearls.: by Natalie Lynn Borton Worth is one of those topics that just can't be discussed enough. It seems no matter how many times we grasp that...

Know Your Value: The Official Wonderfully Made Blog: We Are His Pearls

Know Your Value: The Official Wonderfully Made Blog: We Are His Pearls: [ photo credit ] "We are like a grain of sand when we come to God. He takes us as we are, and through the irritations we encounter on our...

Saint Louis Biotanical Gardens Day. Flickr?

A Matter of Trust

Proverbs 29:25 "Fear of man will prove to be a snare,
but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe."

I always thought I trusted God, but genuinely - I think that has been a matter of seasons and occasions. Could it be possible in the midst of struggle to lose it? Is that what burn-out is?

I watch people, a lot. Not in a creepy way, just because I'm just freakin' interested in people. (Thus why I chose Psychology as my major...) particularly I watch the older crowds, and then the younglings. I look at the wise and the inspirations that have come into my life and wonder, how? How did they do it? And why are they in good spirit? I look at the women who have come to manage Ed in their life, and see it like a dream come true. A perfect life. Happiness. Eternal sunshine and goodies.

Or is it...?

I'm a hider. I hide myself a whole lot, because I would rather attempt to excess your expectations as a person and a woman than to be myself. As much as I try to distract myself from the huge matters, I am a huge mess. Or at least I feel like one. (I'm a woman, yeah yeah.)

The roller coster I've kept on throughout my teen years and early girlhood is still speeding on right now. And maybe that's just how getting older rolls, how growing up as an individual plays out.

If one thing has changed though, it's been my heart on that roller coaster. Through the mistakes I made, the sin I fell into, and the challenges I overcame (or failed utterly...and tend to hide too) ~ it has shaped me into a person. I used to try to like this person, now I am forcing myself to love this person beyond any regards.

Coming home, I've been given a generous amount of time where I'm kind of almost forced to spend alot of Natalie alone time. Natalie alone time is a nightmare, never good - people who know me very well are probably amazed by what damage and havoc Natalie alone time can create , but perhaps that will change?

Despite the uglies it has already produced externally, I feel oddly...well.
It was a major wake-up call to see that nothing inside of me has changed, it was a huge step to finally accept that what lives inside of me WILL NEVER CHANGE and CAN'T BE ELIMINATED.

Ed is a part of me, but he's not a part of me.

Ed pursues death. And though my body is dying, I pursue life.

Ed has his own rules for me to handle food. But so did the Lord when he created me.

Recognizing these things was an adventure and took a LOT of prayer. Accepting took even more. And now recovery, well it's hard. But I can't stop! I really can't. I feel like an idiot sometimes, but I truly cannot stop pursuing it and having a good heart about it. I've always had hope, regardless, but I don't think I really let myself be loved or counseled. I never really gave myself enough love or self-respect or had the confidence that I was capable of achieving goals and tasks each day (as much time as my obessive and perfectionist monsters imply me to spend on making task lists organized by the minutes of the day...) I hardly get anything done (and I'm serious when I say that.)

See...my list may look something like:

- God Time - Run - Shower - Class - Library - Phone Call - Email - Etc

But Ed's?

- Eat right now, even though you're not hungry. - Run as hard as you can for 35 minutes and then bike for 25 - This strength move - that strength move - this one - that one - Take your vitamins so you're metabolism will burn more calories - Wear the baggy jeans to look your best, since you gained weight back - eat again - eat again - YOU HAVE TO GO TO LUNCH WITH YOUR FRIENDS OR EVERYONE WON'T BE YOUR FRIEND ANYMORE - go to this because people expect you to - do this to make this person happy - get that homework done, though you suck at school...why are you here? you're not capable of this. - call home, if your family didn't already despise everything you are and do enough. - try your hardest at this, but you're gonna sink. - oh, and don't spend time with God because He hates you too. You're not getting over this lifestyle, you need me too much and you know it.

I don't always write that down, but Ed will throw in that input the second I wake up.

Trusting God. It's really not the easiest thing at first to always do. But you know, I think He sees that. I think He sees the drive in my heart to be where He desires. I think He sees what I'm willing to throw out of my life in order for that to be reality.

I think through it, he's brought me to a major place of humbleness, and patience (thank Jesus)

Developing trust is hard, especially when you get broken by other people. Trust is a very difficult 5 -letter word. It's huge, it's surrender. And you can't stop trusting either. Nope. You just have to learn how to work it. (Some people you may lose trust for - forever, and for those who have deeply wounded you - it's ok.) but as for those crucial to your life, even if you don't click with - you gotta give them your heart.

And who knows? Maybe feelings will follow..

I'm in a place currently where I am forcing myself to trust my body (and keep doing it, and not abide by Ed) and all the while trust God with the door opened for me to finish my BA at Lincoln Christian University, and to recieve a second chance this fall or spring (money determining) of proving my capabilities (and in a nut-shell, re-experiencing it all for the first time, again) while trusting him with mending old relationships and big ones too, and trusting him through now being at a 3 hour distance away from my soulmate. And trusting him that I'm capable like everyone else (especially those girls who seem to have it all going for them...) beauitful like I can see everyone else, and a beautiful individual that should imply me to be good to myself on a daily basis (not just like one day a year...or every 19 years ;))

This is balance in life. I found it!!! :) I can have it!!! Everyday!!! Forever!!! Without condemnation or fear of what people will say or think!!! :) And to my surprise, it has nothing to do with food. It has nothing to do with my fitness endeavors and carved idols of Worldly Perfectionism and so forth. It has everything to do with believing, trusting, hoping, loving, and faith in the Christ.

Saint Louis Biotanical Gardens, May 26th, 2012

I want to deeply challenge you right now. I promise that this is one for myself as well.
I want to challenge you by first, envisioning your life right now...everything in it from the people in it, to the places you see and have seen, the smells you've smelt, and the weather you've endured.

Are you happy? Or are you dissatisifed? Do you think God could've done a little better when He mapped the pieces of your puzzle out? Do you even care?

Keep your mind focused on your life, your eyes, your hands..

What would everyday be like without nature?

What would everyday be like without animals?

What would your life be like without people? Everyone ~ your family and close friendships, your church, your grandparents and cousins, loved ones, the people you hate (though you may never reveal it verbally) the people you envy (and maybe even ocassionally stalk on the social network scene) those you have fought with, compete with, have experienced sickness, trauma, needed advice from you, who are mentally ill or disabled, kids, babies, seniors, veterans, co-workers, hard workers that step out and help you with your work, lazy people, funny people, creative people, intelligently gifted people, mechanical people, obnoxiously loud and silent people, sevant's hearts, preachers, those of every personality made.

You wouldn't be able to (or have to...depending on how you think of it right now) socially interact with anybody! At all!

No laughter, no love, no hate, no memories, no scrapbooks, no cameras, no whispers, no kisses, no hugs, no fights, no tears...

No life, no words, no pictures.

What if there were no books? Or forms of writing? Pens? Pencils? Ink? Things to use for recording like wood and cardboard? Papyrus? Rocks and stone?

No crafting materials? No beds, backpacks, cooking utensils, phones, clocks, computers, chairs, lights, tables, houses, cars...

Just you in a vacant world.

This morning I did this on my own, and I'll post my response later on. But if you happen to read beforehand, respond yourself to the challenge above. What I did find (importantly) though was this...that taking out everything in the world that you dislike does not make your life, or make your life better or make life great, or make it a good life. Life is what it is. You have be appreciate the least you have ever had in order to appreciate now, and tomorrow for all to be added to your life.

Capabilities, Possibility, and the Future.

Today begins my very first day of summer vacation, and I am happy. Very happy (minus that it's a trade for my college friends and my sweet boy - who all live at least 3 hours (+) away from my Southern Illinois house.) But it's alright because I know we'll all be back together again in the soon future (and of course, I could never see Rob soon enough ;))

I came home exhausted, but refreshed and relieved. It was a difficult trasition into the college scheduale for my mind and my emotions - and for the baggage I came into school with. Yet for some reason - I knew that it was going to be completely BLASTED off of me. I kept faith in God that He was going to educate my heart more than anything. And He did.

But it was no merry-go-round, and I've had more cries and meltdowns than I've experienced before in school.

I learned more about the Bible than I ever, ever thought I would or was going to. I honestly did not plan on it ever in my life, nor was it the first thing. (By the way, if you think Bible college is a piece of cake compared to something else....trust me folks...it really isn't.) I always had a hunger for understanding though, and through the education I am getting - it is being met beyond expectations...and constantly setting it back on fire. How amazing!!!

My proffessors inspired me with their lives, and so did the vast amount of people I met.

I came out of school learning something very important..

that I'm still not confident at all.

So I started questioning my actions and my attitude. I'm always mentally yelling at myself to get my act together, but it never happens how I want it to. I never love everyone. I shield myself every now and then to go and cope through my struggles, rather than grab the hand of God and those who (for whatever reason) tell me that they love me beyond crazy measures. I don't have confidence for life ~ so I struggle with it: with my goals, keeping relationships healthy, extending my own hands outward, and my education.

So I made a resolution.  That instead of trying to press away from the matter of having these continous problems, I would believe in God's power to obliterate it from my spirit. That I would begin to stare at these scary monsters in the face and say that I was born capable of my pursuits, because of what and who I am. I am a creation of God's, and I am free to love my God.

I want to be a human being again. I think I've figured out what I mean when I say that.

I want to respect myself again. I want to be fair to myself again.

I've tried to sell myself out, put myself on a hold through perfectionism and through the dangerous means of an eating disorder. The desire to be perfectly beautiful outwardly, burned along with the desire to be everything for other people's expectations of me. It was my silent suicide, and is still a monster I fight (in not so obnoxious ways nowadays though) day-to-day and as the hour comes, or as life hits me.

I opened up myself to the point of where I could not breathe on the inside any more. I felt crushed, I had no more passion. I wasn't really doing anything worthwhile.

What was I? Who was I?

I've made a new, fresh journey into the Word of God this summer, with the new found knowledge and tools I've gotten out of Lincoln. And let me tell you ~ IT IS THE BIGGEST BLESSING OF MY LIFE (and I'm only on Day 5!) My thoughts now are, crap...how much better can is it going to get??? That's almost scary to think about! (Good scary of course, bone-chilling excitment :))

I've taken other ambitions for the road ahead, I'm praying for the doors God is preparing for me and those in my life. I'm praying for our hearts, ESPECIALLY my own because I need the hugest attitude change.

I'm thankful for those at my sides, as I getting to be in their lines too. I'm thankful for the trials that God gives us, and am giving an ear for the first time - that mine was for extrememly good reason. Becuase I know that my God was always with, was with me the day I first fell knees first, and is today. Still. After everything, and after every wrong road I went down...

What do you believe about yourself?

The Not-So Highly Esteemed Thessaloncia Super Model Story.

1 Thessalonians

She dreams of becoming a model, of being your muse.
She fights tooth and nail - preaching long-awaited news,
and holds onto all she's been through.

She'll give her heart away until there is nothing left...
She's a star; turn your heads and follow along.
Clean out your pockets, you'll give yourself away too.

Would you rather be seen as a model for the world, or a model that has sought out God?
Both may be powerful, but the LORD'S will always outshine the Earthly icons.

"Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children…" Ephesians 5:1