but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe."
I always thought I trusted God, but genuinely - I think that has been a matter of seasons and occasions. Could it be possible in the midst of struggle to lose it? Is that what burn-out is?
I watch people, a lot. Not in a creepy way, just because I'm just freakin' interested in people. (Thus why I chose Psychology as my major...) particularly I watch the older crowds, and then the younglings. I look at the wise and the inspirations that have come into my life and wonder, how? How did they do it? And why are they in good spirit? I look at the women who have come to manage Ed in their life, and see it like a dream come true. A perfect life. Happiness. Eternal sunshine and goodies.
Or is it...?
I'm a hider. I hide myself a whole lot, because I would rather attempt to excess your expectations as a person and a woman than to be myself. As much as I try to distract myself from the huge matters, I am a huge mess. Or at least I feel like one. (I'm a woman, yeah yeah.)
The roller coster I've kept on throughout my teen years and early girlhood is still speeding on right now. And maybe that's just how getting older rolls, how growing up as an individual plays out.
If one thing has changed though, it's been my heart on that roller coaster. Through the mistakes I made, the sin I fell into, and the challenges I overcame (or failed utterly...and tend to hide too) ~ it has shaped me into a person. I used to try to like this person, now I am forcing myself to love this person beyond any regards.
Coming home, I've been given a generous amount of time where I'm kind of almost forced to spend alot of Natalie alone time. Natalie alone time is a nightmare, never good - people who know me very well are probably amazed by what damage and havoc Natalie alone time can create , but perhaps that will change?
Despite the uglies it has already produced externally, I feel oddly...well.
It was a major wake-up call to see that nothing inside of me has changed, it was a huge step to finally accept that what lives inside of me WILL NEVER CHANGE and CAN'T BE ELIMINATED.
Ed is a part of me, but he's not a part of me.
Ed pursues death. And though my body is dying, I pursue life.
Ed has his own rules for me to handle food. But so did the Lord when he created me.
Recognizing these things was an adventure and took a LOT of prayer. Accepting took even more. And now recovery, well it's hard. But I can't stop! I really can't. I feel like an idiot sometimes, but I truly cannot stop pursuing it and having a good heart about it. I've always had hope, regardless, but I don't think I really let myself be loved or counseled. I never really gave myself enough love or self-respect or had the confidence that I was capable of achieving goals and tasks each day (as much time as my obessive and perfectionist monsters imply me to spend on making task lists organized by the minutes of the day...) I hardly get anything done (and I'm serious when I say that.)
See...my list may look something like:
- God Time - Run - Shower - Class - Library - Phone Call - Email - Etc
But Ed's?
- Eat right now, even though you're not hungry. - Run as hard as you can for 35 minutes and then bike for 25 - This strength move - that strength move - this one - that one - Take your vitamins so you're metabolism will burn more calories - Wear the baggy jeans to look your best, since you gained weight back - eat again - eat again - YOU HAVE TO GO TO LUNCH WITH YOUR FRIENDS OR EVERYONE WON'T BE YOUR FRIEND ANYMORE - go to this because people expect you to - do this to make this person happy - get that homework done, though you suck at school...why are you here? you're not capable of this. - call home, if your family didn't already despise everything you are and do enough. - try your hardest at this, but you're gonna sink. - oh, and don't spend time with God because He hates you too. You're not getting over this lifestyle, you need me too much and you know it.
I don't always write that down, but Ed will throw in that input the second I wake up.
Trusting God. It's really not the easiest thing at first to always do. But you know, I think He sees that. I think He sees the drive in my heart to be where He desires. I think He sees what I'm willing to throw out of my life in order for that to be reality.
I think through it, he's brought me to a major place of humbleness, and patience (thank Jesus)
Developing trust is hard, especially when you get broken by other people. Trust is a very difficult 5 -letter word. It's huge, it's surrender. And you can't stop trusting either. Nope. You just have to learn how to work it. (Some people you may lose trust for - forever, and for those who have deeply wounded you - it's ok.) but as for those crucial to your life, even if you don't click with - you gotta give them your heart.
And who knows? Maybe feelings will follow..
I'm in a place currently where I am forcing myself to trust my body (and keep doing it, and not abide by Ed) and all the while trust God with the door opened for me to finish my BA at Lincoln Christian University, and to recieve a second chance this fall or spring (money determining) of proving my capabilities (and in a nut-shell, re-experiencing it all for the first time, again) while trusting him with mending old relationships and big ones too, and trusting him through now being at a 3 hour distance away from my soulmate. And trusting him that I'm capable like everyone else (especially those girls who seem to have it all going for them...) beauitful like I can see everyone else, and a beautiful individual that should imply me to be good to myself on a daily basis (not just like one day a year...or every 19 years ;))
This is balance in life. I found it!!! :) I can have it!!! Everyday!!! Forever!!! Without condemnation or fear of what people will say or think!!! :) And to my surprise, it has nothing to do with food. It has nothing to do with my fitness endeavors and carved idols of Worldly Perfectionism and so forth. It has everything to do with believing, trusting, hoping, loving, and faith in the Christ.
Saint Louis Biotanical Gardens, May 26th, 2012
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