I'm sticking to who I am...

To hug more often.
To be a friend to as many other people as put before me.
To consider others higher than my own self.
To say "I love you" everyday.
To take care of others.
To just listen to what everyone has to say.
To preserve memories and moments  and all of the blessings I've been given, more.
To use my God-given wisdom and discernment for greater good.
To never worry another single second about my ever-changing body, in an ever-changing life,
when reality will always be that I was, am, and will always be enough for Jesus Christ.
To pursue freedom where it leads.
To let go of the old ways of looking at life.
To let go of the past.
To forgive myself.
To take advantage of any new oppurtunities given to me.
To be a hard-worker and a hard-player.
To use my gifts, and take confidence in them and pride in the God who gave them to me.
To be my happy and positive and mellow self and not feel obligated to feel any differently in the midst of negativity and poor attitudes or bad situations.
To laugh, hard, a lot, daily.
To give generously to my family, friends, church, and needy.

I may never be perfect to everyone,
but I will always be seen as perfect enough in One's eyes.

I may never satisfy anyone,
but I can please the One who made us all.
Sometimes, it's by saying that I can't do it all.
I can't meet this restrictive idol.

He fully satisfies me, enough to
dare to leap the trickest of leaps.
And speak up in the midst of opposition.

I am protected.

Reunited

T-minus 3 hours left until (or so) until I get to spend a weekend with my..now "longer-distance"...boyfriend (which is not as much fun of course as last summer was with him only less than a hour away from bonding time. But it does mean that fall time - spring time = more reasonable distance, one will be the desk right next to me ;) and I can't wait to see what doors the Lord opens for me and his relationship, and us individually. Lots of people don't really talk about their loves much, but I'm the opposite. I'm so thankful to have Rob's hand in mine, and the memories we share. The fun we have. The laughs we let loose. The moments we break, cry, yell, hug, kiss, and attempt new adventures. He is everything I have ever prayed for, and I believe it's a priveledge to be able to be dating him, even for me being the younger companion.

In the meantime, I hear a game of Twilight Princess calling my name (that is unless Pinterest continues to distract me lol.)

The best blessings come in human form <3

Love Your Life

A week ago I was disturbed and hurt to recieve the news of the death of one of my special friends, Lesya. It's been very hard to chew on. She was the first human being I ever talked with about my eating disorder with, who got it all - she was an Anorexic at that time. I remember our talks going back and forth to each other, like passing notes - my Illinois messages to her Cali computer screen. We weren't extremely close friends, but we had a connection that I know am thankful to say I get to share with more than just one other girl (and a man as well, in the past at least.) We had a lot in common, similar passions...

This girl was the description of a missionary like nothing I've ever seen before. Her story is probably a testimony worth making Internet highlights for Christians suffering with eating disorders, and so on..

The first Lesya I met was not pleasant, and all to herself. She was exhausted. She wasn't getting better, though her efforts were fixed within. She was extrememly intelligent and gifted artistically. By extremely I am talking mueseum worthiness. She passed High School at the age of 16, and began college immediately at the California College of the Arts. Yet - she was struggling. I know she hardly slept. Following college came the oppurtunity for her to recieve another round of treatment at Remuda Ranch in Arizona. Everyone supported her as she was taken care of, and taking care of her own business. She came out. She had some meat back on her bones, but she was still pretty faint.

To everyone's surprise, came a move that wasn't talked about openly - an almost impulsive move to the land down under. (I thought she was crazy) but for the sake of getting the job of her dreams, a pro cake decorator, she did it. She seemed more content than ever. I remember getting excited and getting a picture sent to me of probably the finest sculptured cake I have ever seen (yes, even better than Cake Boss..soooo much better!!!) and then she met a boy, who wouldn't leave her alone for the life of it. That's when I started meeting a new Lesya - a girl who messaged me in the wee hours of her Aussie afternoon (and my morning...) about wittnessing for Christ.

Now, I was the one swallowing my spit :)

I remember that she thanked me for being a friend to her, and even wrote a blog to all of her friends who had supported her in some way. And I had to go back and read it again, because once she died, I felt like I didn't truly listen to her right then...and well, that's all that I had left personally.

I have this now on a fancy canvas, soon to be hanging in my room:

Love This Life

Every day we have a chance to make a difference; in every aspect that we choose to do so. These past 7 months I've lived in Australia I have changed immensely to the point of where it makes me cry just thinking about it. I never realized how much, before, I was living for myself in my own little world, stuck up, but refusing to see it. I have always been one to love life and embrace it - but coming to the Land down under I didn't realize how much I was embracing the wrong things.

Lately I have been feeling myself slipping into the darker side of things, where things that use to bring me beyond one's grasp compassion and drive makes my heart ache. Where getting up feels like a chore and smiling an old feeling that doesn't seem like my forte. I realized, today, that this was a work in progress. Something I built up --- even without recognizing my own downfall.

I've been in deep thought these past few weeeks trying to keep my mind out of depression, ans a relapse that seemed unevitable and I've come to the conclusion that there is only one option for me: which is, to love this life. This life, my life, the life God chose for me and that I am living out. I am done feeling 'stuck' and 'suffocating' in my own choices that could be easily changed.

I am ready to wake up to an alarm clock early in the morning and smile because I not only have the option to breathe breaths to another day, but have the grace to see the undefying beauty of everything this world has to offer. I am ready to stop making excuses to things I don't want to do, simply out of selfish ambition. I am ready to laugh at my mistakes, cry when I need to, hug someone when I feel like I'm about to break. I am ready, I am ready. I am ready. I want to witness this world in all it has to offer. To the customers I serve, to the people I meet at the beach. No matter what I do, I want to do it loving this life. My life.

I am ready, to love this life.

Thank-you to everyone who has helped me realize the potential I have and to continue to be there for me through it all~

I continued to read other blogs she posted, all about her mission to bring people to Jesus. This year she had left her job in order to answer God's call to go on mission trips (mostlhy paid for by their church) with her newly wedded husband, that good ol' Danny boy who never left her alone ;) I watched her come to life and start living and loving her life for the first time, despite that physically her body only had about 6 months life to live.

She unexpectedly, but peacefully died in her sleep.

Her mission continues, there's no doubt about it. Her story brings life and Christ to those she knew, especially others who shared common struggle.

It has to me.

So much more makes sense to me now, compared to this time last year. I was really gone. I've been really gone. Yet, God hasn't left me for anything. And neither have those who truly love me beyond what makes sense to my mind. And neither has MY sweet guy, Robert <3

I honestly don't believe I was taking much further action towards recovery until "along came a man named...Robert" in the nicest ways possible, he has shown me my errs, and has shown me my beauty. But for the longest time I remained stuck up, and refused to give it a piece of my heart.

I wasn't in my own body anymore, and could feel it. One second I'm on a treadmill and the next I'm binging to the rooftops and back. Over and over. Repeat and so on.. I couldn't give it all up without going haywire. And I wanted it more than I thought I wanted other things..

But that wasn't me.

The real me doesn't enjoy preoccupations invading my life each morning. The real me isn't what Ed convinces me that I am. The real me is a combination of my own set of colors, and Ed is always grey and contradicting.

I lost my confidence, my self-respect, my self-discipline, motivation, everything.

I lost oppurtunities and friends.

I lost, a lot.

I lost touch with who I am.

I was just my eating disorder in action, in a body.

Today though I am recognizing my dreams again. I am letting go each day, with the hope and trust given to the Lord of recieving His best (which I'm honestly not liking the process, but it will work out perfectly in time) I am becoming a whole person. I'm still fighting with the fear and worry and anxiety that comes along with it - and I have probably honestly allowed it to just run me over.

I have not done or have been my best. I have not been ok. I have lived with this inner voice demanding unattainable standards, as well as becoming the voices of everyone in my life.

It's been hard to trust God and hard to trust people, my body, myself, anything. I just haven't had it fully. I haven't been a person, I haven't been a womanly, I haven't been youthful.

I've let it come in the way of my own arms, to where I don't always love others. And somedays, I don't care. At all. As cold as it sounds. I just hold onto the desire to love, that I have to give it all or nothing, to be the prime friend to everyone of they're an enemy.

But today I claim back "me", my beauty, and my heart. My dreams are truly nothing all that "big" but in my heart they are the universe.

To my friend Lesya,

This is the hardest you've ever kicked my butt, and I'm blessed to call you a sister. You've poured out the righteousness of God into the world, and into my own heart. You say that I helped you come to realize your potential, but you also did for me, for many, all the same. Thank-you for helping me realize my own potential, my dreams, my beauty, my importance, the truth, the Word of God, and the power within it all.

I'm ready to love this life too, friend.



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