Capabilities, Possibility, and the Future.

Today begins my very first day of summer vacation, and I am happy. Very happy (minus that it's a trade for my college friends and my sweet boy - who all live at least 3 hours (+) away from my Southern Illinois house.) But it's alright because I know we'll all be back together again in the soon future (and of course, I could never see Rob soon enough ;))

I came home exhausted, but refreshed and relieved. It was a difficult trasition into the college scheduale for my mind and my emotions - and for the baggage I came into school with. Yet for some reason - I knew that it was going to be completely BLASTED off of me. I kept faith in God that He was going to educate my heart more than anything. And He did.

But it was no merry-go-round, and I've had more cries and meltdowns than I've experienced before in school.

I learned more about the Bible than I ever, ever thought I would or was going to. I honestly did not plan on it ever in my life, nor was it the first thing. (By the way, if you think Bible college is a piece of cake compared to something else....trust me folks...it really isn't.) I always had a hunger for understanding though, and through the education I am getting - it is being met beyond expectations...and constantly setting it back on fire. How amazing!!!

My proffessors inspired me with their lives, and so did the vast amount of people I met.

I came out of school learning something very important..

that I'm still not confident at all.

So I started questioning my actions and my attitude. I'm always mentally yelling at myself to get my act together, but it never happens how I want it to. I never love everyone. I shield myself every now and then to go and cope through my struggles, rather than grab the hand of God and those who (for whatever reason) tell me that they love me beyond crazy measures. I don't have confidence for life ~ so I struggle with it: with my goals, keeping relationships healthy, extending my own hands outward, and my education.

So I made a resolution.  That instead of trying to press away from the matter of having these continous problems, I would believe in God's power to obliterate it from my spirit. That I would begin to stare at these scary monsters in the face and say that I was born capable of my pursuits, because of what and who I am. I am a creation of God's, and I am free to love my God.

I want to be a human being again. I think I've figured out what I mean when I say that.

I want to respect myself again. I want to be fair to myself again.

I've tried to sell myself out, put myself on a hold through perfectionism and through the dangerous means of an eating disorder. The desire to be perfectly beautiful outwardly, burned along with the desire to be everything for other people's expectations of me. It was my silent suicide, and is still a monster I fight (in not so obnoxious ways nowadays though) day-to-day and as the hour comes, or as life hits me.

I opened up myself to the point of where I could not breathe on the inside any more. I felt crushed, I had no more passion. I wasn't really doing anything worthwhile.

What was I? Who was I?

I've made a new, fresh journey into the Word of God this summer, with the new found knowledge and tools I've gotten out of Lincoln. And let me tell you ~ IT IS THE BIGGEST BLESSING OF MY LIFE (and I'm only on Day 5!) My thoughts now are, crap...how much better can is it going to get??? That's almost scary to think about! (Good scary of course, bone-chilling excitment :))

I've taken other ambitions for the road ahead, I'm praying for the doors God is preparing for me and those in my life. I'm praying for our hearts, ESPECIALLY my own because I need the hugest attitude change.

I'm thankful for those at my sides, as I getting to be in their lines too. I'm thankful for the trials that God gives us, and am giving an ear for the first time - that mine was for extrememly good reason. Becuase I know that my God was always with, was with me the day I first fell knees first, and is today. Still. After everything, and after every wrong road I went down...

What do you believe about yourself?