Sunday, May 27, 2012
Know Your Value: The Official Wonderfully Made Blog: Rubies and Pearls.
Know Your Value: The Official Wonderfully Made Blog: Rubies and Pearls.: by Natalie Lynn Borton Worth is one of those topics that just can't be discussed enough. It seems no matter how many times we grasp that...
Know Your Value: The Official Wonderfully Made Blog: Rubies and Pearls.
Know Your Value: The Official Wonderfully Made Blog: Rubies and Pearls.: by Natalie Lynn Borton Worth is one of those topics that just can't be discussed enough. It seems no matter how many times we grasp that...
Know Your Value: The Official Wonderfully Made Blog: We Are His Pearls
Know Your Value: The Official Wonderfully Made Blog: We Are His Pearls: [ photo credit ] "We are like a grain of sand when we come to God. He takes us as we are, and through the irritations we encounter on our...
A Matter of Trust
Proverbs 29:25 "Fear of man will prove to be a snare,
but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe."
I always thought I trusted God, but genuinely - I think that has been a matter of seasons and occasions. Could it be possible in the midst of struggle to lose it? Is that what burn-out is?
I watch people, a lot. Not in a creepy way, just because I'm just freakin' interested in people. (Thus why I chose Psychology as my major...) particularly I watch the older crowds, and then the younglings. I look at the wise and the inspirations that have come into my life and wonder, how? How did they do it? And why are they in good spirit? I look at the women who have come to manage Ed in their life, and see it like a dream come true. A perfect life. Happiness. Eternal sunshine and goodies.
Or is it...?
I'm a hider. I hide myself a whole lot, because I would rather attempt to excess your expectations as a person and a woman than to be myself. As much as I try to distract myself from the huge matters, I am a huge mess. Or at least I feel like one. (I'm a woman, yeah yeah.)
The roller coster I've kept on throughout my teen years and early girlhood is still speeding on right now. And maybe that's just how getting older rolls, how growing up as an individual plays out.
If one thing has changed though, it's been my heart on that roller coaster. Through the mistakes I made, the sin I fell into, and the challenges I overcame (or failed utterly...and tend to hide too) ~ it has shaped me into a person. I used to try to like this person, now I am forcing myself to love this person beyond any regards.
Coming home, I've been given a generous amount of time where I'm kind of almost forced to spend alot of Natalie alone time. Natalie alone time is a nightmare, never good - people who know me very well are probably amazed by what damage and havoc Natalie alone time can create , but perhaps that will change?
Despite the uglies it has already produced externally, I feel oddly...well.
It was a major wake-up call to see that nothing inside of me has changed, it was a huge step to finally accept that what lives inside of me WILL NEVER CHANGE and CAN'T BE ELIMINATED.
Ed is a part of me, but he's not a part of me.
Ed pursues death. And though my body is dying, I pursue life.
Ed has his own rules for me to handle food. But so did the Lord when he created me.
Recognizing these things was an adventure and took a LOT of prayer. Accepting took even more. And now recovery, well it's hard. But I can't stop! I really can't. I feel like an idiot sometimes, but I truly cannot stop pursuing it and having a good heart about it. I've always had hope, regardless, but I don't think I really let myself be loved or counseled. I never really gave myself enough love or self-respect or had the confidence that I was capable of achieving goals and tasks each day (as much time as my obessive and perfectionist monsters imply me to spend on making task lists organized by the minutes of the day...) I hardly get anything done (and I'm serious when I say that.)
See...my list may look something like:
- God Time - Run - Shower - Class - Library - Phone Call - Email - Etc
But Ed's?
- Eat right now, even though you're not hungry. - Run as hard as you can for 35 minutes and then bike for 25 - This strength move - that strength move - this one - that one - Take your vitamins so you're metabolism will burn more calories - Wear the baggy jeans to look your best, since you gained weight back - eat again - eat again - YOU HAVE TO GO TO LUNCH WITH YOUR FRIENDS OR EVERYONE WON'T BE YOUR FRIEND ANYMORE - go to this because people expect you to - do this to make this person happy - get that homework done, though you suck at school...why are you here? you're not capable of this. - call home, if your family didn't already despise everything you are and do enough. - try your hardest at this, but you're gonna sink. - oh, and don't spend time with God because He hates you too. You're not getting over this lifestyle, you need me too much and you know it.
I don't always write that down, but Ed will throw in that input the second I wake up.
Trusting God. It's really not the easiest thing at first to always do. But you know, I think He sees that. I think He sees the drive in my heart to be where He desires. I think He sees what I'm willing to throw out of my life in order for that to be reality.
I think through it, he's brought me to a major place of humbleness, and patience (thank Jesus)
Developing trust is hard, especially when you get broken by other people. Trust is a very difficult 5 -letter word. It's huge, it's surrender. And you can't stop trusting either. Nope. You just have to learn how to work it. (Some people you may lose trust for - forever, and for those who have deeply wounded you - it's ok.) but as for those crucial to your life, even if you don't click with - you gotta give them your heart.
And who knows? Maybe feelings will follow..
I'm in a place currently where I am forcing myself to trust my body (and keep doing it, and not abide by Ed) and all the while trust God with the door opened for me to finish my BA at Lincoln Christian University, and to recieve a second chance this fall or spring (money determining) of proving my capabilities (and in a nut-shell, re-experiencing it all for the first time, again) while trusting him with mending old relationships and big ones too, and trusting him through now being at a 3 hour distance away from my soulmate. And trusting him that I'm capable like everyone else (especially those girls who seem to have it all going for them...) beauitful like I can see everyone else, and a beautiful individual that should imply me to be good to myself on a daily basis (not just like one day a year...or every 19 years ;))
This is balance in life. I found it!!! :) I can have it!!! Everyday!!! Forever!!! Without condemnation or fear of what people will say or think!!! :) And to my surprise, it has nothing to do with food. It has nothing to do with my fitness endeavors and carved idols of Worldly Perfectionism and so forth. It has everything to do with believing, trusting, hoping, loving, and faith in the Christ.
but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe."
I always thought I trusted God, but genuinely - I think that has been a matter of seasons and occasions. Could it be possible in the midst of struggle to lose it? Is that what burn-out is?
I watch people, a lot. Not in a creepy way, just because I'm just freakin' interested in people. (Thus why I chose Psychology as my major...) particularly I watch the older crowds, and then the younglings. I look at the wise and the inspirations that have come into my life and wonder, how? How did they do it? And why are they in good spirit? I look at the women who have come to manage Ed in their life, and see it like a dream come true. A perfect life. Happiness. Eternal sunshine and goodies.
Or is it...?
I'm a hider. I hide myself a whole lot, because I would rather attempt to excess your expectations as a person and a woman than to be myself. As much as I try to distract myself from the huge matters, I am a huge mess. Or at least I feel like one. (I'm a woman, yeah yeah.)
The roller coster I've kept on throughout my teen years and early girlhood is still speeding on right now. And maybe that's just how getting older rolls, how growing up as an individual plays out.
If one thing has changed though, it's been my heart on that roller coaster. Through the mistakes I made, the sin I fell into, and the challenges I overcame (or failed utterly...and tend to hide too) ~ it has shaped me into a person. I used to try to like this person, now I am forcing myself to love this person beyond any regards.
Coming home, I've been given a generous amount of time where I'm kind of almost forced to spend alot of Natalie alone time. Natalie alone time is a nightmare, never good - people who know me very well are probably amazed by what damage and havoc Natalie alone time can create , but perhaps that will change?
Despite the uglies it has already produced externally, I feel oddly...well.
It was a major wake-up call to see that nothing inside of me has changed, it was a huge step to finally accept that what lives inside of me WILL NEVER CHANGE and CAN'T BE ELIMINATED.
Ed is a part of me, but he's not a part of me.
Ed pursues death. And though my body is dying, I pursue life.
Ed has his own rules for me to handle food. But so did the Lord when he created me.
Recognizing these things was an adventure and took a LOT of prayer. Accepting took even more. And now recovery, well it's hard. But I can't stop! I really can't. I feel like an idiot sometimes, but I truly cannot stop pursuing it and having a good heart about it. I've always had hope, regardless, but I don't think I really let myself be loved or counseled. I never really gave myself enough love or self-respect or had the confidence that I was capable of achieving goals and tasks each day (as much time as my obessive and perfectionist monsters imply me to spend on making task lists organized by the minutes of the day...) I hardly get anything done (and I'm serious when I say that.)
See...my list may look something like:
- God Time - Run - Shower - Class - Library - Phone Call - Email - Etc
But Ed's?
- Eat right now, even though you're not hungry. - Run as hard as you can for 35 minutes and then bike for 25 - This strength move - that strength move - this one - that one - Take your vitamins so you're metabolism will burn more calories - Wear the baggy jeans to look your best, since you gained weight back - eat again - eat again - YOU HAVE TO GO TO LUNCH WITH YOUR FRIENDS OR EVERYONE WON'T BE YOUR FRIEND ANYMORE - go to this because people expect you to - do this to make this person happy - get that homework done, though you suck at school...why are you here? you're not capable of this. - call home, if your family didn't already despise everything you are and do enough. - try your hardest at this, but you're gonna sink. - oh, and don't spend time with God because He hates you too. You're not getting over this lifestyle, you need me too much and you know it.
I don't always write that down, but Ed will throw in that input the second I wake up.
Trusting God. It's really not the easiest thing at first to always do. But you know, I think He sees that. I think He sees the drive in my heart to be where He desires. I think He sees what I'm willing to throw out of my life in order for that to be reality.
I think through it, he's brought me to a major place of humbleness, and patience (thank Jesus)
Developing trust is hard, especially when you get broken by other people. Trust is a very difficult 5 -letter word. It's huge, it's surrender. And you can't stop trusting either. Nope. You just have to learn how to work it. (Some people you may lose trust for - forever, and for those who have deeply wounded you - it's ok.) but as for those crucial to your life, even if you don't click with - you gotta give them your heart.
And who knows? Maybe feelings will follow..
I'm in a place currently where I am forcing myself to trust my body (and keep doing it, and not abide by Ed) and all the while trust God with the door opened for me to finish my BA at Lincoln Christian University, and to recieve a second chance this fall or spring (money determining) of proving my capabilities (and in a nut-shell, re-experiencing it all for the first time, again) while trusting him with mending old relationships and big ones too, and trusting him through now being at a 3 hour distance away from my soulmate. And trusting him that I'm capable like everyone else (especially those girls who seem to have it all going for them...) beauitful like I can see everyone else, and a beautiful individual that should imply me to be good to myself on a daily basis (not just like one day a year...or every 19 years ;))
This is balance in life. I found it!!! :) I can have it!!! Everyday!!! Forever!!! Without condemnation or fear of what people will say or think!!! :) And to my surprise, it has nothing to do with food. It has nothing to do with my fitness endeavors and carved idols of Worldly Perfectionism and so forth. It has everything to do with believing, trusting, hoping, loving, and faith in the Christ.
Saint Louis Biotanical Gardens, May 26th, 2012
Saturday, May 19, 2012
I want to deeply challenge you right now. I promise that this is one for myself as well.
I want to challenge you by first, envisioning your life right now...everything in it from the people in it, to the places you see and have seen, the smells you've smelt, and the weather you've endured.
Are you happy? Or are you dissatisifed? Do you think God could've done a little better when He mapped the pieces of your puzzle out? Do you even care?
Keep your mind focused on your life, your eyes, your hands..
What would everyday be like without nature?
What would everyday be like without animals?
What would your life be like without people? Everyone ~ your family and close friendships, your church, your grandparents and cousins, loved ones, the people you hate (though you may never reveal it verbally) the people you envy (and maybe even ocassionally stalk on the social network scene) those you have fought with, compete with, have experienced sickness, trauma, needed advice from you, who are mentally ill or disabled, kids, babies, seniors, veterans, co-workers, hard workers that step out and help you with your work, lazy people, funny people, creative people, intelligently gifted people, mechanical people, obnoxiously loud and silent people, sevant's hearts, preachers, those of every personality made.
You wouldn't be able to (or have to...depending on how you think of it right now) socially interact with anybody! At all!
No laughter, no love, no hate, no memories, no scrapbooks, no cameras, no whispers, no kisses, no hugs, no fights, no tears...
No life, no words, no pictures.
What if there were no books? Or forms of writing? Pens? Pencils? Ink? Things to use for recording like wood and cardboard? Papyrus? Rocks and stone?
No crafting materials? No beds, backpacks, cooking utensils, phones, clocks, computers, chairs, lights, tables, houses, cars...
Just you in a vacant world.
This morning I did this on my own, and I'll post my response later on. But if you happen to read beforehand, respond yourself to the challenge above. What I did find (importantly) though was this...that taking out everything in the world that you dislike does not make your life, or make your life better or make life great, or make it a good life. Life is what it is. You have be appreciate the least you have ever had in order to appreciate now, and tomorrow for all to be added to your life.
I want to challenge you by first, envisioning your life right now...everything in it from the people in it, to the places you see and have seen, the smells you've smelt, and the weather you've endured.
Are you happy? Or are you dissatisifed? Do you think God could've done a little better when He mapped the pieces of your puzzle out? Do you even care?
Keep your mind focused on your life, your eyes, your hands..
What would everyday be like without nature?
What would everyday be like without animals?
What would your life be like without people? Everyone ~ your family and close friendships, your church, your grandparents and cousins, loved ones, the people you hate (though you may never reveal it verbally) the people you envy (and maybe even ocassionally stalk on the social network scene) those you have fought with, compete with, have experienced sickness, trauma, needed advice from you, who are mentally ill or disabled, kids, babies, seniors, veterans, co-workers, hard workers that step out and help you with your work, lazy people, funny people, creative people, intelligently gifted people, mechanical people, obnoxiously loud and silent people, sevant's hearts, preachers, those of every personality made.
You wouldn't be able to (or have to...depending on how you think of it right now) socially interact with anybody! At all!
No laughter, no love, no hate, no memories, no scrapbooks, no cameras, no whispers, no kisses, no hugs, no fights, no tears...
No life, no words, no pictures.
What if there were no books? Or forms of writing? Pens? Pencils? Ink? Things to use for recording like wood and cardboard? Papyrus? Rocks and stone?
No crafting materials? No beds, backpacks, cooking utensils, phones, clocks, computers, chairs, lights, tables, houses, cars...
Just you in a vacant world.
This morning I did this on my own, and I'll post my response later on. But if you happen to read beforehand, respond yourself to the challenge above. What I did find (importantly) though was this...that taking out everything in the world that you dislike does not make your life, or make your life better or make life great, or make it a good life. Life is what it is. You have be appreciate the least you have ever had in order to appreciate now, and tomorrow for all to be added to your life.
Capabilities, Possibility, and the Future.
Today begins my very first day of summer vacation, and I am happy. Very happy (minus that it's a trade for my college friends and my sweet boy - who all live at least 3 hours (+) away from my Southern Illinois house.) But it's alright because I know we'll all be back together again in the soon future (and of course, I could never see Rob soon enough ;))
I came home exhausted, but refreshed and relieved. It was a difficult trasition into the college scheduale for my mind and my emotions - and for the baggage I came into school with. Yet for some reason - I knew that it was going to be completely BLASTED off of me. I kept faith in God that He was going to educate my heart more than anything. And He did.
But it was no merry-go-round, and I've had more cries and meltdowns than I've experienced before in school.
I learned more about the Bible than I ever, ever thought I would or was going to. I honestly did not plan on it ever in my life, nor was it the first thing. (By the way, if you think Bible college is a piece of cake compared to something else....trust me folks...it really isn't.) I always had a hunger for understanding though, and through the education I am getting - it is being met beyond expectations...and constantly setting it back on fire. How amazing!!!
My proffessors inspired me with their lives, and so did the vast amount of people I met.
I came out of school learning something very important..
that I'm still not confident at all.
So I started questioning my actions and my attitude. I'm always mentally yelling at myself to get my act together, but it never happens how I want it to. I never love everyone. I shield myself every now and then to go and cope through my struggles, rather than grab the hand of God and those who (for whatever reason) tell me that they love me beyond crazy measures. I don't have confidence for life ~ so I struggle with it: with my goals, keeping relationships healthy, extending my own hands outward, and my education.
So I made a resolution. That instead of trying to press away from the matter of having these continous problems, I would believe in God's power to obliterate it from my spirit. That I would begin to stare at these scary monsters in the face and say that I was born capable of my pursuits, because of what and who I am. I am a creation of God's, and I am free to love my God.
I want to be a human being again. I think I've figured out what I mean when I say that.
I want to respect myself again. I want to be fair to myself again.
I've tried to sell myself out, put myself on a hold through perfectionism and through the dangerous means of an eating disorder. The desire to be perfectly beautiful outwardly, burned along with the desire to be everything for other people's expectations of me. It was my silent suicide, and is still a monster I fight (in not so obnoxious ways nowadays though) day-to-day and as the hour comes, or as life hits me.
I opened up myself to the point of where I could not breathe on the inside any more. I felt crushed, I had no more passion. I wasn't really doing anything worthwhile.
What was I? Who was I?
I've made a new, fresh journey into the Word of God this summer, with the new found knowledge and tools I've gotten out of Lincoln. And let me tell you ~ IT IS THE BIGGEST BLESSING OF MY LIFE (and I'm only on Day 5!) My thoughts now are, crap...how much better can is it going to get??? That's almost scary to think about! (Good scary of course, bone-chilling excitment :))
I've taken other ambitions for the road ahead, I'm praying for the doors God is preparing for me and those in my life. I'm praying for our hearts, ESPECIALLY my own because I need the hugest attitude change.
I'm thankful for those at my sides, as I getting to be in their lines too. I'm thankful for the trials that God gives us, and am giving an ear for the first time - that mine was for extrememly good reason. Becuase I know that my God was always with, was with me the day I first fell knees first, and is today. Still. After everything, and after every wrong road I went down...
What do you believe about yourself?
I came home exhausted, but refreshed and relieved. It was a difficult trasition into the college scheduale for my mind and my emotions - and for the baggage I came into school with. Yet for some reason - I knew that it was going to be completely BLASTED off of me. I kept faith in God that He was going to educate my heart more than anything. And He did.
But it was no merry-go-round, and I've had more cries and meltdowns than I've experienced before in school.
I learned more about the Bible than I ever, ever thought I would or was going to. I honestly did not plan on it ever in my life, nor was it the first thing. (By the way, if you think Bible college is a piece of cake compared to something else....trust me folks...it really isn't.) I always had a hunger for understanding though, and through the education I am getting - it is being met beyond expectations...and constantly setting it back on fire. How amazing!!!
My proffessors inspired me with their lives, and so did the vast amount of people I met.
I came out of school learning something very important..
that I'm still not confident at all.
So I started questioning my actions and my attitude. I'm always mentally yelling at myself to get my act together, but it never happens how I want it to. I never love everyone. I shield myself every now and then to go and cope through my struggles, rather than grab the hand of God and those who (for whatever reason) tell me that they love me beyond crazy measures. I don't have confidence for life ~ so I struggle with it: with my goals, keeping relationships healthy, extending my own hands outward, and my education.
So I made a resolution. That instead of trying to press away from the matter of having these continous problems, I would believe in God's power to obliterate it from my spirit. That I would begin to stare at these scary monsters in the face and say that I was born capable of my pursuits, because of what and who I am. I am a creation of God's, and I am free to love my God.
I want to be a human being again. I think I've figured out what I mean when I say that.
I want to respect myself again. I want to be fair to myself again.
I've tried to sell myself out, put myself on a hold through perfectionism and through the dangerous means of an eating disorder. The desire to be perfectly beautiful outwardly, burned along with the desire to be everything for other people's expectations of me. It was my silent suicide, and is still a monster I fight (in not so obnoxious ways nowadays though) day-to-day and as the hour comes, or as life hits me.
I opened up myself to the point of where I could not breathe on the inside any more. I felt crushed, I had no more passion. I wasn't really doing anything worthwhile.
What was I? Who was I?
I've made a new, fresh journey into the Word of God this summer, with the new found knowledge and tools I've gotten out of Lincoln. And let me tell you ~ IT IS THE BIGGEST BLESSING OF MY LIFE (and I'm only on Day 5!) My thoughts now are, crap...how much better can is it going to get??? That's almost scary to think about! (Good scary of course, bone-chilling excitment :))
I've taken other ambitions for the road ahead, I'm praying for the doors God is preparing for me and those in my life. I'm praying for our hearts, ESPECIALLY my own because I need the hugest attitude change.
I'm thankful for those at my sides, as I getting to be in their lines too. I'm thankful for the trials that God gives us, and am giving an ear for the first time - that mine was for extrememly good reason. Becuase I know that my God was always with, was with me the day I first fell knees first, and is today. Still. After everything, and after every wrong road I went down...
What do you believe about yourself?
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